How does one become brave? Is it a learned behavior; is it something we can tap into? Or is it just something a person is born with? I want to know how to be brave.
Last week, a friend of mine on Facebook -- who is also trans -- asked, "How do I live my life without fear?" And I thought, "Honey, if you ever find out, let me know. Ok?"
But the more I thought about this question, a parable came to me. The tale of the two wolves.
Basically, a grandfather tells his son that we each have two wolves inside us, fighting for dominance.
One is love, kindness and bravery. The other hatred, greed and fear.
The grandson asks, "Which one is stronger; which one wins, in the end?"
And the grandfather says, "The one you feed."
In other words, if you allow hatred, greed and fear to thrive within you, you will become a hateful, greedy person, afraid of everything around you.
So how do you starve one and feed the other? I have a slightly different solution. Rather than seeking to eliminate fear, understand it. Do not learn fearlessness; learn bravery.
I believe that fear can be useful. A healthy amount of fear can help us to avoid dangerous obstacles and bad situations. Too little fear and we foolishly wander into dangerous situations that can get us killed. Too much fear and we become crippled by our own emotions.
Fear can heighten our senses. In the right environment and with the right attitude, fear can either become excitement or terror. Fear can actually help us achieve a kind of "joie de vivre." Hence, why people, like me, love roller coasters and going too fast. I find them exciting; other people find them terrifying.
The secret to learning how to be brave is to tackle small fears, one step at a time. As a transgender woman, the idea of going outside in a female presentation was terrifying, because I didn't know what to expect.
Each day, I ventured out further and further. I'd go shopping, or I'd go to work. I'd go for long walks. Each day, I would push myself a little further and become braver and braver, until I learned how to be brave and what to expect of the world when I went out.
Being transgender, at first, was terrifying. But soon, it became exciting. And these days, it just is. I feel, at least in this respect, that I did it. I learned how to be brave. And I believe you can, too!
This week on "Painting With Dee!" I wanted to try the "drip and shake" method to create an abstract work.
I've used this method before, and I loved the results. So, I decided it was about time to try again, because you get a lot of freedom to experiment and try new things.
So, how does "drip and shake" work? The idea is simple: drip large globs of paint onto the canvas and then shake them around to create interesting patterns and effects. It's definitely one of my favorite techniques because it's so much fun!
For a little more control over the results, you can use a brush or a stick to push and pull the paint around and create even more unique patterns and shapes. As you can see in the video, I was able to pull the paint into "arms" that branched out and touched the other globs. I think it worked out pretty well!
Unfortunately, there were a few mishaps where dust and other bits of debris got into the wet paint, and the plastic baggy it was sitting on to protect the table top kicked up and left some marks. ...oh, well. It gives the piece a little extra character, right?
Also, for this time, I decided to abandon the poster board I used in the last episode. I still want to try a glossy poster board, just to see what kind of results I can get out of it. The drying time was perfect, however; only a few hours before it was safe to touch without damaging the work. Can't beat that, right? It's easier to add layers and try other ideas when it doesn't take too long to try.
And that's it for this weekend... Thanks for watching, and don't forget to subscribe! I love doing this, and I hope everyone else watching feels the same way.
So, here's the thing... Transgender women are under constant pressure -- both external and internal.
Externally, we're expected to conform to certain aesthetic standards and behaviors. Any deviation from this norm and we're accused of not being "real" women. Meanwhile, on the other side of this double-edged sword, if we try too hard to appeal to these standards, we're accused of "parodying" women and upholding gender stereotypes. How do you win this argument?
Internally, we're stuck dealing with our negative self-images and internalized transphobia. We know what "real" girls look like, and we often don't look like them. Many transwomen have features and attributes that are distinctly masculine and obscure the illusion that we are cisgender. Of course, there are a number of options to help deal with these nonconformities, but they usually involve painful surgeries and are prohibitively costly. And, to be honest, no one should be expected to go through all of that just to be able to live their lives. But the saying is true that we are often our own worst enemies.
What we need to realize, and what I hope the message of this song conveys, is that, though we often can't see our own beauty, we are beautiful.
The fact of the matter is that we are real women, because real women come in ALL shapes and ALL sizes. For every trans woman who believes her features stray too far from the norm, there are hundreds of cis women who have the same features. For every transwoman who hates her body because her hips are narrow, her voice is deep, her feet are big, or her breasts are smaller than average, there are, again, dozens of cisgender women who feel exactly the same way about their own bodies. Baldness, facial hair, muscular builds and broad shoulders are not strictly within the domain of cisgender men; many, many cisgender women share these features -- and some even have all of them.
So, what do you mean, dear sister of the transgender experience, when you say you are not pretty like they are? Because the goal, here, is not to be pretty like them, but to be pretty like you.
Lyrics:
Verse 1:
You've got perfect hips,
and perfect lips.
You're a teenage fantasy.
You've got pretty eyes,
and you're just the right size.
You're everything a real girl should be.
And no matter what I say or do,
I'll never be just like you,
and I don't really want to be.
Chorus:
I'm not pretty like you,
I'm pretty like me.
And you know it's true,
that I'm not pretty like you.
I'm pretty like me.
Verse 2:
You've got nice long hair,
and I just don't care.
'Cause I'm finally where I want to be.
So drop the attitude.
And don't call me dude.
Could you show a little respect to me?
I'm through with crying all the time.
I've been through it all, I've committed no crime.
And I'm stronger than I've ever been.
Chorus
Reprise:
So screw your perfect lips,
and your perfect hips,
and who cares about your fantasies?
5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Being Transgender
So... you think you might be transgender.
You're probably wondering, how do I know if I'm trans?
Is there a test I can take that will tell me for sure? (There is! Sorta...)
The bottom line is, you have questions.
You're probably nervous, a little afraid, confused, depressed...
I know, I was there. It's ok. We're gonna get through this...
I've been traveling down this road for 2 years, and there's been some bumps in the road, but I believe it has been worth it.
As such, here are a few things I wish I could go back and tell myself when I was teenager. These were things I needed to know.
1. You are normal.
This was my biggest hangup when I was a teenager.
I thought there was something very wrong with me.
It felt dirty, it felt naughty, perverted, and obscene.
It turns out, there's nothing wrong with being trans; it's the self-loathing and internalized transphobia that was the problem. THAT'S what was wrong with me.
There is nothing wrong with you that hasn't been wrong with millions of people since the dawn of time.
Everywhere in nature, you see homosexuality and transness in animals. Everywhere.
We have scientific evidence backing this up. We have proof that we are who we say we are.
And if you think it's just a phase, it's not. It never goes away.
On the other hand, pretending to be a straight, cisgender male... THAT was a phase.
So get over the idea that you are abnormal. It's a trap. It's a lie. And speaking of lies...
2. Don't believe the lies.
I believed many lies.
I believed that I was wrong, and that I shouldn't exist.
I believed that no one would love me.
I believed I was too ugly to be a woman.
I believed that it was all in my head.
I believed that was I was doing was a sin.
These are all lies.
Did you know, the bible says we have no gender? And that God doesn't really have one either? It says we're all equal.
Jesus never condemned homosexuality or the transgender condition.
What this means is that you should exist. You do exist, and I see you.
Many, many people have walked this path before you, and they found a way to make it work. So can you.
You are loved. You have value.
And that brings me to the next thing I would have told myself...
3. You are not worthless.
I see, in so many trans folks, talent, intelligence, independence and an undying spirit.
I see confidence, poise and grace.
I see doctors.
I see teachers.
I see lawyers, architects, elected officials, engineers, computer scientists, artists, dancers, activists, advocates, White House interns, and some of the bravest, most heroic, loving and kind people I have ever met.
I see this within you because I have seen it in so many other transgender people I have met. And I have met many transgender people in my life.
Your value as a human being is not incumbent on others' judgement of the way you were born.
You are who you are, and regardless of what they think, you deserve happiness.
You have the capability to do anything you put your mind to, and though you might not understand or realize it, right now, you will.
If you just stick with it, eventually, you will...
4. It's not going to be easy, but it's easier than you think.
When I first started transitioning, I had no idea where to begin.
For me, the two biggest obstacles I faced were facial hair and baldness on my head.
Turns out, wigs exist, and they look great. They can even be fun.
And yeah, shaving every day sucks... but there's always laser, and electrolysis.
And until you can get those, makeup can do some incredible tricks.
But where things really get difficult is dealing with society.
Dealing with bigotry and hatred will be a taxing process that will continuously sap your strength.
But you have a lot more strength than you realize.
And every time you feel yourself getting close to the end of your rope, stop.
Breathe, relax, regroup and try again.
Only you can determine how far you will go, but only if you keep trying.
5. You are not alone.
I have been all over the state of Pennsylvania.
I've been to conferences in Pittsburgh and Philadelphia.
I've attended Prides in Philly, Chester County, New York, and several in Northeast PA.
And what I can tell you is that if there are as many trans people living in this small area as I've met, then there are far more of us than we realize.
We've done polls, studies and endless research, and we have a pretty good idea of how many of us are out there.
But we really don't know.
And it never ceases to amaze me.
The diversity and ubiquity of the trans experience is amazing.
There are so many different ways to express gender identity and to be who you are.
So maybe you live in a small town, or you can't travel, or you're just young and haven't had a lot of life experience, so you don't know anyone else like you.
Hey, that's ok; I was there. I thought I was alone.
But I wasn't. I know that, now.
I've seen thousands of us, together, in the same space, each existing and living our lives.
So don't feel alone; don't feel like you don't know anyone.
You know me... I'm trans.
And you know people like Jazz Jennings, Laverne Cox, Janet Mock, Chaz Bono... You know Olympians, world class athletes, who are just like you, and they know exactly what you're going through.
We all do.
Plus, you've got Tumblr, and Twitter, and Facebook, and Instagram, and SnapChat, and how many other ways to meet and communicate with other trans people?
If you're watching this video, you know I'm here on YouTube, and there are many others who are, too.
You are not alone. Not even a little.
Whether you're an egg, a freshly out of the closet baby trans, someone in the middle of transition, someone living stealth or a late bloomer... I hope this video helps you.
I know it would have helped me.
Mondays suck... I get it. But hopefully this video will make your Monday suck less. And speaking of things that suck, not having any rights definitely counts as something that sucks!
Did you know that you can be fired, evicted from your home or denied service and public accommodations just for being gay? It's 100% true, and 100% legal in the city of Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania. And don't even get me started on the kind of stuff you have to deal with as a trans person... ugh...
I've been working on a project I've dubbed Equality Wilkes Barre; it's an initiative taken up by myself, Wilkes Barre City Councilman Tony Brooks and Councilwoman Beth Gilbert to pass an anti-discrimination bill in the city of Wilkes Barre. If this project is successful, it'll mean LGBT rights and protections from discrimination. It'll mean no more living in fear of bigoted, prejudiced employers and landlords. It'll mean common decency and respect for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people -- among many others. Isn't that something worth fighting for?
Well, it is. And Thursday evening, with about a dozen friends and allies, we took to the Wilkes Barre City Hall to sit in on the meeting where Beth Gilbert was going to be opening her proposition for this ordinance to public discussion. Her proposal is to amend a current ordinance, entitled Human Relations, to include protections for the LGBT community which would help us out if we ever find ourselves discriminated against.
The good news is, they accepted the proposal. It was a unanimous decision -- 5 out of 5 councilpersons. The bad news is, all they did was accept the PROPOSAL. It'll be another month until they vote on actually writing it into law. Even so, I'm optimistic.
Meanwhile, I'm getting called out in the comments section of the city paper's because I was mentioned by name for my involvement in this. Imagine, just for having the audacity to ask for a little bit of fair treatment, I raised a small ruckus. Ugh...
Well, that's what I do. I raise ruckuses.
As usual, the people complaining aren't seeing the bigger picture. This is not a request for "special treatment." All we want is to have the same protections as everyone else. It's not an extra special LGBT rights law, created just for us... All we're doing is making sure that if you can't be fired, evicted or thrown out of a business for being straight and cisgender, we shouldn't be subject to the abuse for being gay and/or trans. It's only fair. This is how we equalize things. That's not how they see it, of course, but whatever. This is a good thing, whether they realize it or not. The civil rights movement is alive and well. Equality in Wilkes Barre!
Now, if you'd like to the read the full story, I'll be posting a link to my article in NEPAScene.com.
Anyway, that's all for this week. More guitar vids are on their way, I promise. Keep on keepin' on!
NEPA PrideFest at Montage Mountain - Pride on the Mountain
This week, I'm in Kirby Park in Wilkes Barre, again! I liked it so much last time that I decided to do it, again.
I talk a little about NEPA PrideFest at Montage Mountain, where it was held this year.
Everything was set for this years Pride to be better than ever... especially after last year. Last year, Pride was in Pittston on one of the hottest days of the summer. Previously, it was held in Kirby Park in Wilkes Barre. The greenery and proximity to the Susquehanna River always made it feel comfortable and open. But last year, it was held on blacktop -- I actually felt like I was being cooked from both the sun and the ground. It was pretty intense. I was dehydrated, I got bad leg cramps, we were just sweating and melting and... ugh. So, when I'd heard that Pride was going to be at a water park, I couldn't wait! Everything was perfect... except for the weather.
I don't recall exactly what the temperature was for most of the day, but it wasn't the kind of temperature I wanted to go swimming in. Regardless, we had a lovely time. My girlfriend and I spent the day talking to our friends, listening to bands performing and even riding the zip line! What a great venue! I think NEPA PrideFest at Montage Mountain was a huge success.
I also talk about my girlfriend and I getting our eyebrows done. You can see them, in the video. What do you think? My girlfriend has a good friend who does them, and she nailed it. Perfect!
I talk about 1940s Weekend in Eckley Miner's Village, which I've been going to for at least 3 years. Maybe even 4? I can't remember, anymore... I just know that I love big band era music, swing dancing and dressing like a pin-up model. It was perfect. This year was a little different, though. My girlfriend and I got harassed by, of course, a cisgender male for using the ladies room. Yeah, for real.
Finally, I talk about rewatching The Matrix from the perspective of a trans woman and noting that the Wachowskis are also trans, and I talk a little about transitioning in my 30s and some of the things I sacrificed because I stayed in the closet and didn't begin hormone therapy sooner. It's difficult for me to talk about, but I try.
They're doing work on my building... and that means noise. Lots of noise. I decided, since it's such a nice day, and I need to get out of the apartment, why not set up shop in Kirby Park in Wilkes Barre? Brilliant!
In this week's vlog post I talk about my latest article for NEPA Scene, featuring Sarah McBride, the first transgender woman to speak at the Democratic National Convention. Or, well, any major political convention. It's kind of a big deal.
As mentioned in the video, I had some basic knowledge of who Sarah McBride was, based on what I'd read about her, but it still didn't dawn on me just who she was and how important she was to history and to the transgender community. We have certainly come a long way! And yet, we still have so far to go. It seems like the more progress we make, the more we get pushed back.
Also mentioned in the video is my latest "guitar noodle" video, "Chasing Comets," which was NOT filmed at Kirby Park. Alas, that's just how things go. They weren't working on my building when I recorded that one, so there was no need to head out for a quieter space. I'm definitely looking forward to making more of these. I'm also thinking of getting into other creative outlets, such as painting. It just depends on my level of motivation and whether I can manage to create something I like enough to share. It's been so long since I painted! Like, 10 years, or so. Until I decide otherwise, enjoy the guitar videos.
I also really need to get back into experimental electronic music. There's a lot of setup that goes into it, and to be honest, it's just so much faster and easier to grab a guitar and string a few chords together. And I can't exactly bring my entire setup to Kirby Park; although, I suppose I could just play around with Ableton Live, some headphones and a keyboard controller.
Anyway, enjoy the videos, let me know what you think. If you have any comments or questions, put them in the usual place and I'll get back to you. This is Dee, signing off from Kirby Park in Wilkes Barre. Take it easy!
I'm not going to go into the details... I've told this story dozens of times, again and again. But I never told YouTube.
I've been uploading videos of my music and live performances for the last several years I built up a sizable following and got a lot of attention for it. And then, one day, I just stopped. Why?
Well, for starters, I moved into my own apartment in 2014. For whatever reason, experimental electronic music just fell off the radar, for me. I didn't enjoy it as much as I used to, and the effort wasn't worth it, any longer. No one was really listening, no one was buying my CDs, and I couldn't find a label that wanted to put out a cassette release from me. In short, I got burned out and gave it up.
By then, the gender dysphoria I felt had been bubbling up inside of me for decades. I hid myself from my family, my friends and my employer. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell the truth about who I really was; until, one day, I couldn't hide it anymore. I had to tell someone; I had to come out. I needed to transition.
The rest of the story is history. I decided to transition from a male appearance to a female appearance. I stopped living a lie and started living my truth. My family and friends loved me, my boss was totally ok with it, and my life began to improve 150%.
Since then, I decided it was time to get back into making music and uploading videos. I decided I wanted to join my fellow transgender vloggers, too. I started recording my thoughts, talking about my life as a transgender vlogger, and spreading the word to bring a little more attention to my life and my art. Please enjoy the video above, and thank you!
